John 5:4 "For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool and troubled the water. Whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole."
Its such a powerful image for me. Troubled waters, caused by a blessing in disguise... we learn something from every experience, and grow when faced with painful situations... The whole metaphor and lyricism is beautiful. "Certain Seasons" for me are defined by larger than life, holy moments that force me into dark waters, to wade into the empty hunger for spirituality that swirls beneath the day to day surface of my life. Seeking solutions and meaning beyond a world of indifferent happenstance.
There are two ways to view the world... As if nothing ever has meaning, or as if everything has meaning. I suppose some days I vacillate between the two, believing which ever viewpoint will get me through the other side easier. I am torn between desperately seeking deep and spiritual meaning through my interpersonal relationships and completely refusing a reality filled with inconvenient divine intervention. There are times, like now, where pivotal experiences mark themselves on the timeline of my life as sacred hinges, forcing me to bend, forcing me to bow into myself, finding solace in my sacred space in the darkness of "troubled waters".
I have been here, in this place, before. In more ways than one. I know there is no wholeness until I confront the troubling angel. The inner self. This tormentor of my sacred space. Who is she this time? She is the voice telling me I am unworthy, that I am going NO WHERE... The difference between NO WHERE and being NOW HERE is a simple shift in one small space. The only way to discover the difference is to be HERE NOW.
"Come away by yourself to a lonely place and rest a while." I meet myself here, in the descent, where I recede into the restless core of myself, to be still and listen. It is this space where I define the difference between feeling lost and finding meaning.
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