A Constant Need

"Living as an artist without a muse is like sinking slowly underwater, wanting, but not knowing how to swim up and grasp for your breath... for the air that inspires you to live, love and create..."
There is a constant need for inspiration. I am a high powered laser beam, focused and ready, and all I need is something to aim it at. But what? Who? In desperate times I look to anyone to idolize, pine over, vie for... For no other reason that in my constant pursuit of artistic expression.
My art would be classified as an autobiographical narrative. I am always painting the way I "feel" through my own personal struggles or through my interactions with others. I may use vague metaphors and imagery, but it always comes back to a particular situation and the way it made me feel. It makes me wonder if this is why I am constantly pursuing painfully incomplete relationships. Is it true that I am never really satisfied unless there is an undertone of torture in my love life? Or is it just that my need to express myself outweighs my need for complete happiness? Or am I afraid of what my art would turn into if I had nothing to "process through"... Its as if I am most content on a long walk through a beautiful enchanted forest with a thorn stuck in my foot.
Like in the quote, I will always be drowning... the muse just provides the reach.
A therapist would say that maybe this is a defense mechanism I have adopted in attempts to help me feel safe (if that makes any sense)
My friends would say that I don't believe I feel worthy of true happiness.
But an artist would say that we are truly happiest with the experiences of life... that happiness is NOT the outcome of a trouble free life, but yet the result of being present in every waking moment... Happiness sprouts from the seed of our highest intention to FEEL EVERYTHING to the fullest, even our pain. Because it is in those moments, I feel most alive.

Keeping Focus

Life as a self employed woman has really taken off for me in the last few months. So much so I really haven't had time to write a new blog since December! Some very exciting changes are taking place... I'm moving out of my apartment into a room to rent, I've been keeping track of my sales and purchases in preparation for getting a business license, and I just paid my first month rent on a studio space!! I feel this tremendous push of momentum behind me, which is as exciting as it is intimidating.
I'm honestly a little freaked out at how well everything seems to be pulling together, all the pieces are falling into place. But above all else, it seems to be the fact that I am really committing to this as my future that has me the most timid. That word alone, "commitment", has an intense connotation, which in some respects represents to me a concrete, forever, can't ever go back, finality to it... which sharply contrasts my wishy-washy, floating around in outer space mentality that I define my "free spirit" self proclaimed archetype by.
"Suck it up!" My mother tells me, in the most loving way possible. This is what I wanted and it cant all be sunshine and baby giggles. It takes perseverance, commitment, determination, as well at my more natural traits of creativity and improvisation. The business aspect of my business, i.e. the paperwork, the art shows, meeting with clients, buying supplies, setting up my new studio, has kept me so preoccupied I haven't had time to put paint brush to canvas in over a month... (The image I posted was the last one I finished, should be updated to the website next month) This is upsetting me, because I feel like painting is what started it all! The long hours spent hunched over at my easel until 4 in the morning, the walking to the corner store unaware of the random blue streak across my face, the backwards french manicure of white gesso caked into my cuticles is what keeps my eyes seeing color and my lungs filled with air. It is the reason I exist at all. And here I find myself struggling with balance once again, where I cannot live without painting, and I can't make a living if I don't treat my painting as a business. Tomorrow I am dedicating a full day to nothing but my brushes and I... in attempts to keep focus on the reason I am here, as in living, as in where I am in life, as in my spiritual connection with my surroundings...