Keeping Focus

Life as a self employed woman has really taken off for me in the last few months. So much so I really haven't had time to write a new blog since December! Some very exciting changes are taking place... I'm moving out of my apartment into a room to rent, I've been keeping track of my sales and purchases in preparation for getting a business license, and I just paid my first month rent on a studio space!! I feel this tremendous push of momentum behind me, which is as exciting as it is intimidating.
I'm honestly a little freaked out at how well everything seems to be pulling together, all the pieces are falling into place. But above all else, it seems to be the fact that I am really committing to this as my future that has me the most timid. That word alone, "commitment", has an intense connotation, which in some respects represents to me a concrete, forever, can't ever go back, finality to it... which sharply contrasts my wishy-washy, floating around in outer space mentality that I define my "free spirit" self proclaimed archetype by.
"Suck it up!" My mother tells me, in the most loving way possible. This is what I wanted and it cant all be sunshine and baby giggles. It takes perseverance, commitment, determination, as well at my more natural traits of creativity and improvisation. The business aspect of my business, i.e. the paperwork, the art shows, meeting with clients, buying supplies, setting up my new studio, has kept me so preoccupied I haven't had time to put paint brush to canvas in over a month... (The image I posted was the last one I finished, should be updated to the website next month) This is upsetting me, because I feel like painting is what started it all! The long hours spent hunched over at my easel until 4 in the morning, the walking to the corner store unaware of the random blue streak across my face, the backwards french manicure of white gesso caked into my cuticles is what keeps my eyes seeing color and my lungs filled with air. It is the reason I exist at all. And here I find myself struggling with balance once again, where I cannot live without painting, and I can't make a living if I don't treat my painting as a business. Tomorrow I am dedicating a full day to nothing but my brushes and I... in attempts to keep focus on the reason I am here, as in living, as in where I am in life, as in my spiritual connection with my surroundings...