Character

I feel my parents raised me right. I feel I have a strong understanding of what right and wrong is. Though my path through life is colored with mistakes and wrong turns I always had a sense of direction innately guided by my internal compass. I have done wrong and I have been done wrong. I have lied, cheated, stolen, assaulted... I have been beaten, misused, abused, broken heart-ed, broken bodily, and broken spiritually. I have survived my overwhelming emotions of neglect, abandonment, terror, hate, fear and gut wrenching mistrust... it is not only because of those things I am whole today, but by those things occurring, one at a time, piece by piece I was broken down, my entity- eroded. The twisted misconceptions of who I thought I was- shattered, and my illusions of self were destroyed completely. I was able to put the pieces of myself back together, slowly over time, guided by instincts and the teachings of my family and peers, to never give up, never lose hope and always remember "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger..." that's what builds character.
I have heard it said there are two kinds of people you will meet in life... Humans having an Earthly experience, and spiritual beings having a human experience. It took me so long to find a sense of intimacy with people, that feeling of interconnectedness I craved and searched through unconventional means of sex and intoxication to try and find. Everything I did was tainted with a greedy and desperate yearning to fill myself, fill my relentless emptiness and feel complete. My life became an almost panicked quest for someone or something... ANYTHING to end the aching loneliness I felt sometimes, even in a crowded room. All the while I was using the illusions of my physical reality, stuff, clothes, shoes, new hair styles, money, men, makeup, to satisfy my spiritual need to feel connected to the world, and somehow make whole the painfully incomplete relationships I had in my life. Those means provided temporary relief at best. It wasn't until I felt whole all on my own that I stopped searching for the quick fix from those inadequate sources. A new pair of shoes today is just that... new shoes.
Validation is something that has to come from within. All the world and all the men do not have enough compliments, enough pick up lines, enough sweet talk to fill me up from the outside, when it is an inside job to begin with. Validation does not stroke the ego, it builds integrity, creating a perpetual motion of doing good, feeling well, doing more good, feeling better, etc. I feel good today. In fact I can honestly say I have never felt more whole, and my gratitude is ever overflowing. Its been an arduous path, filled with suffering and uncertainty, and some days are better than others. But it was worth every second to be where I am today.
Today I have character. Today I have integrity. Today I have a life beyond stuff.