Patience

After a long year and a half I had a very exciting happenstance occur just last week. I was feeling defeated, after two very disappointing shows, I began doubting myself. The negative self dialogue was all I could hear... "I can't believe I thought I could do this for a living... I was so foolish to believe in me..." I was planning months in advance having to get out of my living arrangements and move back in with my parents, selling every little thing I had just to make due, even flirting with the idea of getting rid of my cell phone for a while. In my head I was already homeless... And then out of the blue I got a phone call from a writer at the local news paper, who wanted to interview me about my piece hanging at the 2 month long installation show at the Virginia Beach Art Institute. I was floored! Not only did she want to know all about me, but she asked just as many questions, if not more, about my painting. And I realized that hope is not all lost. Here is the article...
I do a lot of research for each one of my paintings, as well as a lot of thinking and feeling. Each one gestates for several months before I ever put brush to paint. A long period of getting in touch with what it is I am feeling, following visual cues from the world around me, as if deciphering a secret code... I have to find a way to translate what is a combination of abstract thoughts in my brain into archetypal images that are easily identifiable, like the artifacts of a dream. The end result is a fairly simple image with a very deep meaning behind it, even at a glance it is obvious to the observer that there is something more just waiting to be seen. People are always interested to know what I was thinking about, "so tell me, what does this mean?" As excited as I am to have a conversation explaining what I was thinking, I become equally disappointed that the average attention span for the asker is under 30 seconds... once I begin my third or forth sentence their eyes glaze over and they are looking around for an escape rout. "Am I really that boring?" I think to myself... But I know its not me.
I realize that not much more can be expected from the culture of the quick fix prescription, the 15 second commercial that has you leaving the house to spend hundreds of dollars. The constant bombardment of flashy loud images with even louder blatant messaging. "HEAD ON, APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD, HEAD ON, APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD, HEAD ON, APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!!!!" And so, constantly being stimulated by such aggressive tactics, the average person becomes desensitized by things of a more subtle nature... like art. Like images that challenge you to participate, a picture that doesn't spell everything out for you in giant "comic sans", but yet, coyly invites you to volunteer your own thoughts and feelings to reach an understanding... asking, with indifference, to help unearth its true nature.
It has been said that when you pray for patience, God will not give you patience... He will instead give you opportunities to be patient. Patience is not something that is instilled, it is something that is practiced. When I am obsessing about my financial insecurities months in advanced, planning what corner of the boardwalk I will have to pan handle for money because I have failed as an artist, I am no longer living in the present. I am now living in the future, 3 months down the road, heading to the land of "What If". I have become lost in a time and place that has not even happened yet, and officially lose touch with today, essentially losing touch with reality, essentially robbing myself of the gift of bliss of being present in the moment. Patience is a conscious effort to stay in the moment. Taking an extra few minutes to listen, really listen to someone as they speak, not just waiting for them to finish so you can speak. Patience is the ultimate way to stay connected with reality, because by doing so I am never lost in a place where things haven't happened yet. Patience is trusting the process and knowing that I have the ability to face my fears that encourage me to travel to a future of uncertainty. By living in the future instead of today I am overlooking vital lessons put in place to cue me into growth. Growth is a process, and that process takes time. Without the process of growth there cannot be progress, and without progress there cannot be success. Today I am living for today.