A Constant Need

"Living as an artist without a muse is like sinking slowly underwater, wanting, but not knowing how to swim up and grasp for your breath... for the air that inspires you to live, love and create..."
There is a constant need for inspiration. I am a high powered laser beam, focused and ready, and all I need is something to aim it at. But what? Who? In desperate times I look to anyone to idolize, pine over, vie for... For no other reason that in my constant pursuit of artistic expression.
My art would be classified as an autobiographical narrative. I am always painting the way I "feel" through my own personal struggles or through my interactions with others. I may use vague metaphors and imagery, but it always comes back to a particular situation and the way it made me feel. It makes me wonder if this is why I am constantly pursuing painfully incomplete relationships. Is it true that I am never really satisfied unless there is an undertone of torture in my love life? Or is it just that my need to express myself outweighs my need for complete happiness? Or am I afraid of what my art would turn into if I had nothing to "process through"... Its as if I am most content on a long walk through a beautiful enchanted forest with a thorn stuck in my foot.
Like in the quote, I will always be drowning... the muse just provides the reach.
A therapist would say that maybe this is a defense mechanism I have adopted in attempts to help me feel safe (if that makes any sense)
My friends would say that I don't believe I feel worthy of true happiness.
But an artist would say that we are truly happiest with the experiences of life... that happiness is NOT the outcome of a trouble free life, but yet the result of being present in every waking moment... Happiness sprouts from the seed of our highest intention to FEEL EVERYTHING to the fullest, even our pain. Because it is in those moments, I feel most alive.