Surviving is an Understatement (an explanation of a few of my paintings)

I spent yesterday morning and afternoon at a rally and walk called SLUTwalk Norfolk. Don't be shocked by the name, its for a good cause. SLUTwalk's effort is to raise awareness of sexual assault and challenge the practice of victim blaming, which suggests that the victim was "asking for it" based on what they wore at the time of the attack. A moment of thought will conclude that women in Burkas, children and men are also victims of sexual assault. A moment of research will conclude that 94% of all attackers have no memory of what their victims were wearing. This is a movement striving for social awareness that I strongly support, because of my own story.
Many of my close friends know in detail my past... the good, the bad and the ugly. There are parts that some days I wish I could forget. Or at least suffer from some rare graceful form of selective amnesia. My struggle with drugs and alcohol took me to the darkest realms of human brutality, and I became a victim of sexual assault... three times. This is the story behind my painting "Terrorized" where an alien figure trapped in an ethereal background is surrounded by phallic images, a dark storm cloud, and broken glass.



I knew two of my attackers, who took advantage of me while I was inebriated. The other, I barely have memory of due to my inevitable black out. That pain, like an anchor tied around my neck, dragged me down to the darkest waters I have ever known... and this is the story behind my painting "Drowning" where a girl is seen reaching up towards the light, darting through a school of silhouetted fish.



I stayed here at my bottom for years... I smoked, guzzled and snorted my way to a comfortable numbness, where I could wallow, uninterrupted isolated and alone. Unfortunately staying numb stopped working, and I sought help, which is the story behind my painting "Surrender". Here the same girl is seen sitting, defeated posture alone on the ocean floor, after she has stopped fighting.




Today I am still healing through art. On my journey of becoming whole again, I continued my autobiographical narrative with "Soul Meets Body" where a cloaked figure looks over her shoulder at all the beauty the universe has to offer, her energy surging through a nebula's center, echoing throughout space and time.


Now, a moment in art history.... we find the Italian painter Artemisia Gentileschi. I am not the first woman to ever suffer an assault, nor am I the first artist to seek healing through the language I am most fluent. Color and form. Artemisia, known and discriminated for her soulful and emotional style, fought back against injustices 17th Century Italian women faced. She too was a victim of sexual assault and also knew her attacker. The matter was actually taken to court (a rare occurrence to whom only the wealthiest of families were afforded) and the friend of her father's was found guilty. It was on or around this time that Artemisia completed on of her most famous paintings "Judith Slaying Holofernes", where the biblical character beheads the lead militant invading her town. Caravaggio had previously painted this exact image... but Caravaggio's Judith is timid, angelic. She is visually upset She is unsure about her actions and proceeds, quite possibly only with the encouragement from the older maid assisting her. Even the angle in which she holds the sword looks as if it would provide insufficient leverage to actually decapitate a grown man, who has awoke to an attack in his sleep.

















Now, Artemisia's Judith is the complete opposite. She is determined, strong, and completely committed in her facial expression, while forcibly pulling and fighting Holofernes resistance. A truly accurate perspective coming from a woman who has everything to lose. And the best part? Holofernes face bares striking resemblance to Artemisia's attacker, Tassi.This is why she is one of my favorite painters of all time. Expressive, emotional, and not afraid to speak her mind, even when it was taboo to do so. She faced public humiliation, and was labeled unfit for marriage when she spoke out in the community. She underwent brutal vaginal exams, where she was tortured with thumbscrews. A process quite possibly more de-humanizing than the initial attack. Injustices against women have been occurring throughout time. Until the day comes when they stop completely we must reach out to each other and allow the process of healing to begin. That process begins with breaking the silence. I was afraid to speak out, most women are faced with an impossible choice of public shame and humiliation, or suffer in silence alone. This is not true anymore.
One of the best things I ever did for myself was shift from a place of being a victim, to a survivor. I am not ashamed of what happened to me. The shame is not mine. It is THEIRS. Art has provided me a path to healing, and a way that I may be a source of healing for others. I felt so grateful to be able to support a cause that is so important, not just to me, but to women and society in general.
Fueling my fire for a new series about modern injustices against women... stay tuned.